Dealing With the Death of a Client

And as you may have gathered since I’m writing about it here, I recently had a client pass away. He was not my first client, but he was the first one to pass. I can’t say it was expected, but then again, I can’t say it wasn’t totally unexpected. I need to tell you some of his story in order for you to understand.

I last saw him December 7th for his regular appointment. He came once a month, sometimes more. He was very exciting and talked almost our entire hour and a half about the trip he and his wife were taking to visit their daughter who is in the military and currently stationed in Korea. He was a Vietnam war vet and this was a trip back to his past that would be different this time. He called a few days before his trip wanting to see if he could get in for a massage before he left, but I was so busy and decided not to squeeze him into the schedule as I knew he had a massage scheduled in January.

If I remember correctly, they flew on the 22nd of December. On Christmas Day he had a stroke. I found out a few days later when I got a text message from him saying he had to cancel and that they didn’t get to come home because of the stroke. He would call when he got back to the states. I was concerned, but thought perhaps it wasn’t so bad since I thought it was him texting me. I didn’t hear anything after that until a different client asked if I’d heard what happened.

They were still in Korea and David had very little body movement. It was mid-January and they were trying to figure out how to get him home and into the local VA hospital. Then on January 25th I received another text telling me David had passed. They had brought him home and he’d had another massive stroke. I’m not sure of the details except that he had spent a few days unresponsive in the hospital.

I was shocked. This was a strapping man who was of retirement age, but decided against it because he loved his job and his wife wasn’t yet ready for retirement. He could talk the bark off a tree stump and loved life and everyone in it with him.

I went to his funeral and managed to hold myself together until the 21 guns volleyed. Then I lost it completely and ended up in the bathroom weeping uncontrollably.

One of the things they don’t teach you in massage school (or at least the one I went to) is what to do when a client dies.

I have agonized over how much to share here. Where do privacy issues leave off with the client/therapist relationship?

I have decided that for me, privacy issues, the true one’s, where he lives and other personal information, persist. I have decided to be a little freer with the issue of whether he was my client or not. I am hurting and I need the support of my people and the ability to talk to them about him so I can heal from this loss.

I also need to open a dialog with my current clients about what I expect from them and what they expect from me in the event of a critical illness or, god forbid, their death. Do I expect their family members or friends to contact me? That would be nice so I can visit them or express condolences to the family if appropriate. Should I send flowers, a card, or do they even want me to come to the funeral? These are things I never thought about before David.

And if I send flowers for this one, do I need to make it a policy and do it for every client? Or only regular clients? And if I do that am I straying into favoritism territory? It’s a lot to decide. I went with my heart and sent flowers, went to the funeral, and afterwards wrote his wife a letter. If that is favoritism, then so be it. It’s hard not to become attached to people who frequent your life and care about you right back.

I know some of my MT friends have “countertransference” bouncing off the insides of their heads right now. I respectfully disagree. We enjoyed no relationship outside of our therapeutic one. If I ran into him at the grocery store I would say hello and introduce him as a friend if he approached me first, but otherwise I think I do a pretty good job at keeping a professional distance as much as is possible while still working so closely with someone. As a helper/fixer/healer, I don’t really think there is a way to prevent our hearts from getting involved while doing this kind of work. I think heart is what makes massage and bodywork so profound and all the good ones use their hearts during their sessions.

There are tasks that we are forced to do in this lifetime and I would have rather never had to make these decisions, but since I did I am so grateful that it was him to guide me through this. It is so fitting for the relationship we enjoyed with each other. I will still miss him horribly when his Friday morning appointment rolls around. I will probably cry again, probably more than once.

Rest in peace, David, and know that you are loved still and will be remembered in many, many hearts.

♥

Harvest Moon Massage is Decatur, Alabama’s Exclusive Provider of Bamboo-Fusion Massage